Moved To Canada and All I Got Was This Lousy Cancer
Jokes aside, while the cancer is real so are the ways the life I've been building here in Canada has come to support me & proven to be the best decision I could have made. Here's what happened...
It was surreal. Sitting on the back porch of someone else’s home having just hung up with the Ear Nose Throat (ENT) specialist and then my parents, trying to stay positive while the gravity of the words were sinking in. I could hear my friend/business partner Douglas inside, likely jokingly hitting on my photographer friend Neil as they were continuing to get ready for a LGBTQ+ shoot we were doing for Pride. I could imagine the mood was going to shift once I came in there and I didn’t want to ruin it, but I couldn’t exactly hide out in the backyard for the rest of the day. There wasn’t any hiding from this. I stood up and just was so aware of the way my body was moving - despite the pain I was feeling in the affected area, otherwise I felt FINE; was there something else I didn’t know?? I opened the door and both of my friends looked at me, smiling about whatever had just been said. I think my face gave me away because their expressions changed as they both looked a little confused before I looked at Douglas. I had joked earlier in the car that I would be getting this call, both of us laughing at it because I was over-exaggerating. I turned to him and said, “It was the call I was expecting.”
“Oh? And what did they-”
He stopped, watching my face and I just nodded and I couldn’t help it - I started welling up. “Oh my god,” he said, and pulled me into a tight hug. “I’m so so sorry. It’s going to be ok!” I was trying hard not to openly cry so I pulled back and we both looked at Neil. He looked even MORE confused and worried so I finally said the words for the first time.
“I have cancer.”
We all just stood there as the uncomfortable weight of the words hung in between us all. I wasn’t sure what to say next. I don’t think a lot of people know what to say in moments like this.
With an exhale, Neil was the first to break the silence.
“… shots?”
About 3 months ago, I had noticed a small pain on the back part of the my tongue. If I looked closely in the mirror, I could just see a bump along the left side, close to my teeth. If it wasn’t for the placement, I may not have even noticed as it was a TINY little white round shape so I started googling, “Can you get a pimple on your tongue?”, “What is an enflamed taste bud?” and “Canker sores on tongue???”
I figured it was just one of these and started rinsing my mouth with salt water, trying to eat more leafy greens and drinking orange juice. It seemed like it was working as far as the feeling but when I checked my tongue, after a bit of time, it began to look like there were 3 white dots, all lined up almost in a straight line. I did think it that maybe it could kind of look like an outline from a bite, but then why hadn’t the other two been there before?
As life often goes, I was in the middle of stressing about work and moving and so many other things that I tried to put it out of my mind. But trying to ignore something like that was proving to be increasingly difficult. Every once in a while, my tongue seemed to involuntary flex and the sharp pain would be pretty excruciating as the growth struck my teeth.
I was at work at Sephora and mentioned it to one of my managers. “Really? That sounds weird… Can I…”
“You want to see?”
“I mean, if it isn’t weird for you!”
I truly did love working with this manager so it almost felt rude sticking my tongue out at her as she took a look.
“Oh that IS weird! And how long has it been there?”
I had to think about it - a week? Two? Three? I had no idea anymore.
“Well if it doesn’t go away in a week or two, maybe you should go get that checked out. I haven’t seen anything like it before and I mean, it’s so small, I’m sure it’s just something little!”
“So technically, it is cancer…” I explained for what felt like the the hundredth time. I had offered to go move my aunt’s car so my Stratford Festival coworker Lauren could join us. Again it felt like I was moving in a bubble - I could see the things I needed to do for the shoot which was to help Douglas and Neil start actually shooting and assist with posing. Thankfully I had JUST finished his makeup and started his hair when the call came (which, as a fellow makeup artist/hair stylist, he was able to finish the hair himself). I found out later Neil had privately said we didn’t have to continue the shoot but Douglas and Lauren both know me well enough that I would need to put my mind elsewhere.
So even though there were things needing to be done, with my diagnosis making this shoot go completely off the rails and the way the two took charge to keep things going, I knew Neil wouldn’t mind in this instance if I made a few phone calls. And it gave me an excuse to keep the conversations brief and not wallow in the reality of the situation. I was weirdly positive having only JUST learned I had cancer 15 minutes ago. “Yeah, I mean, it’s pretty minimal as long as it hasn’t spread! We’ll do a CT scan to make sure but c’mon, I’ve had things WAY worse happen!”
The disbelief coming from the other end was understandable.
Lauren showed up wearing a fantastic bright green suit and Neil met them with worried kindness. I pulled Lauren aside and gave them the brief rundown. It’s wild to share something so deeply personal in an unfamiliar setting for them when we had only known each other a few months as coworkers. Yet they gave me the kind of empathy you would hope from people you had known for years. And they were the first to really make me laugh when a cotton pad I was using to do their makeup dropped from my hand into an impossibly annoying area of my kit to reach and without missing a beat, Lauren matter-of-factly declared to the wayward tool, “You can’t do that - she has cancer!”
So while the guys were shooting, Lauren and I had a really personal chat as I continued to wrap my mind around how bizarre this all was. I mean, here I was with my coworker, my college buddy and a creative colleague - all whom I had known for barely over a year at most. It felt like my worlds were colliding and yet somehow that collision provided me more of a cushion for the impact that this news brought. Until I was reminded-
“Are you going to be able to do the show tonight?”
Oh.
That’s right.
Not only was I getting this news during this photoshoot but it was also opening night of our musical at the Avon Theatre - Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. We had been working on the wigs for it from the very start of being hired and in rehearsals and previews for months. It was all finally kicking off tonight and it would be my first official opening as part of the backstage crew. I had even gotten Douglas one of the last tickets in the 1,000+ seat theatre so he could join in the big night. I took a deep breath as the laughably ridiculous level of juxtaposition of my dream night was combining with nightmare news.
“Hell yeah. Do you think cancer is going to stop me?”
Stratford does not have an emergency clinic so even though I’m still getting used to the healthcare (and thank GOD I had just gotten my Ontario Health Insurance Plan aka OHIP card updated about a month earlier), I took myself to the hospital.
I was a bit turned about before I found myself in the emergency section of the hospital when I was describing the pain I was feeling with enough panic in my voice to have a nurse practically personally escort me to the area. Maybe this is just my perception after the fact but I felt upon finally meeting the doctor and having barely explained what was going on, he seemed exasperated by me being there. He examined the growth and almost made a face.
“You bit your tongue.”
“Sorry?”
“Yeah, that’s a bite. I can get you some antibiotics and something for the pain but you just have to let it heal on its own which it should do pretty quick.”
“No.”
It escaped me before I even really thought but it was like my whole body just pushed it out. I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry, but no, this REALLY hurts and it’s been there a WHILE. There’s got to be something more you can do.”
He paused, and again, maybe I just felt this way because of what I know now but he seemed almost annoyed again. “I mean, I can refer you to an ENT-”
“Yes! Thank you! I appreciate it.” I didn’t even know what an ENT was but I just needed someone to take this a bit more seriously than him.
“But I’ll still get you those prescriptions”
At a Shoppers later where I was finally picking them up, I ran into Maria Vacratsis, one of our performers in the festival and also possibly one of the funniest people you could ever possibly meet. Although she frequently stops by the wig room, she didn’t recognize me at first because I am still new in this season and I had my glasses on and in true Superman fashion, who recognizes someone once they put frames on??
We were talking about the healthcare in Canada and the waiting to get a family doctor and she joked, “Honestly, getting a decent doctor over here in Stratford? Forget it - I may as well be your doctor, and let me tell you, I’ll keep it interesting!”
And while I immediately agreed to the plan, I thought, “Hopefully her being my ‘doctor’ will be the most interesting thing to come out of this whole ordeal.”
I was wrong.
The shoot ended up being a beautiful experience with all of us focusing, instead of my diagnosis, on the work itself and having fun. It truly felt like a coming together moment as we all collaborated with our own unique skills. I got to do what I love which is makeup and pose coaching as Lauren got to experience being a model in a whole new way and Douglas was hyping us up and adding other suggestions while Neil worked his magic.
It was such a high of everything that it wasn’t until we were packed up and driving away that the reality of the diagnosis was hitting me. Douglas and I started talking and I told him how scared I was. How I had worked SO hard to get to where I am currently in my life and that even if it was the WORST case scenario and this cancer was even more widespread, I didn’t want to really change anything of my life. I finally felt like I was a part of something - a community of creatives and like-minded people. I was making a livable wage doing something I loved and honestly look forward to getting out of bed to go do. I was getting to do projects like the one we did today and meeting/making friends with so many wonderful people and helping them feel beautiful (or creepy if we’re talking SPFX makeup). That everything felt like it was finally falling into place and opportunities were constantly coming my way and now my own body was betraying everything we had worked SO hard for. And not knowing how this was going to affect my future - if I even HAVE a future. And really the only thing missing that I was hoping to have someday was having a partner in my life and being in love and starting a family. I hadn’t been rushing this as I thought I had so much time but now? Would I have time to meet somebody? And how was anyone ever even going to try to date someone like me when I was potentially riddled with cancer? I know that I am a lot of a person/personality before the cancer but now this? How could someone begin to love someone with something like THIS? And having a family? Would I even be able to HAVE kids now?
The car was silent. I thought maybe Douglas thought it wasn’t possible before I quickly glanced over and realized… he had fallen asleep.
We traveled the rest of the way to Stratford with Lauren tailing behind us because we had made a last minute decision to go to the local Goodwill. Only a couple days before I had been laughing with our wig swing (aka the person who learns everyone’s tracks and “swings” in when someone can’t perform their job that day), Mel, as we were putting together looks for the different openings. We had found this stunning light blue gown that almost looked like the dresses from the opening number of the musical and it had fit me like a glove. But I didn’t want to overdress for the opening because to me, the night was more about our cast. My job is LITERALLY to help make them look good on stage and I didn’t want to look as though I was trying to take away from their night. And I know I’m going to sound like I’m sucking up saying this but the I truly think the talent in the festival is unreal - especially the women who are quadruple threats - they can sing, dance, act AND look like a million bucks while doing it. And the ones I’ve worked with across all my shows not only are all those things but have been treating a newcomer like me so kindly you can’t even be mad at them for being so almost intimidatingly talented.
But I also had been kicking myself for not getting the dress and now with this news? No, life is too short NOT to wear the $10 prom dress that fits just right. And it was still sitting on the rack exactly where I found it the first time and when I showed Lauren (and coincidentally another performer Helen Belay on Anne of Green Gables and knew NOTHING about where my mind was at) the consensus was, “Oh wow, yeah, you need to get that dress.”
As I quickly went to cash out as I was only going to have a very short amount of time to get ready for the show, I quietly whispered to Lauren, “I’m about to make this cancer look SO good…”
I finally was able to get my ENT appointment and so I uncomfortably sat in the examination chair as my new doctor went over some standard questions.
“Have you ever been a smoker?”
“Well I’ve smoked pot but not even really THAT habitually. And maybe in my lifetime I’ve smoked about a pack of cigarettes - maybe two?”
“And you’re in your 30’s?”
I nodded and she asked me to stick out my tongue again.
“It’s definitely some kind of growth but I’m not sure what kind exactly until we biopsy it and see what’s going on.”
“Oh, ok. I’ve never had a biopsy before. Will I be able to work after?”
“Well you’ll need your tongue for your work won’t you?”
“… I mean, if I can’t talk, I can still do my work.”
“You’ll be able to talk but it’ll be slurred. Don’t you work for the Festival?”
“Yes.”
“… So you’re going to need your tongue.”
“… For wigs?”
“… For wigs?”
“Yeah, I’ll need my tongue for wigs?”
“Why do you need your tongue for wigs?”
“That’s what I…. Did the woman I spoke to on the phone tell you I work for the wigs department with the festival?”
“OH!!!!! I thought you were one of the performers.”
I laughed - in all this strangeness, a little “Who’s on First?” comedy felt like a bit of relief.
“Do you have any idea of what it could be?” I asked.
“Well you’re so young and you don’t have any other usual markers. It’s hard to say and I don’t want to jump to any ideas without taking a closer look.”
“But it’s not a bite?”
“No, it’s definitely some kind of growth but like I said, we’ll figure it out. I’d say don’t worry; we’ll cross the bridge when we get there.”
“… Yeah, I’m still going to worry. I mean, what if it’s something really serious like… could it be cancer?”
“Let’s not go there. I know you’re worried but once we have the biopsy, I’ll be able to recommend you to the right person to remove it. It could be a dental thing but we just have to make sure.”
“Ok. I mean what are the odds right?”
…Right.
When we got to my aunt’s house, Douglas and I both began getting ready. While he was in the shower, I called Teddi, my boss at the festival. It was an emotional conversation - like I have mentioned in my previous article, I immediately wanted to learn and work for Teddi as soon as I met her. It seems silly but it felt like I was letting her down. She ended up divulging some very personal things that I won’t disclose here but understood the struggle I was feeling and how badly I wanted to keep being a part of the theatre, the journey I had taken to get here and even though I hadn’t been with the team very long, she knew I was a hard worker with a passion for what we were doing.
“Please,” I begged. “I still want to do the show tonight. Please let me do it.”
She agreed but warned me that if I told the rest of the team, they would want me to sit it out so I could emotionally come to terms with the news. And I didn’t want that. So I decided I would share with them after the show. And again, I admire the rest of the cast and crew and while I hadn’t been for them very long, cancer does tend to be a bit of a bummer to learn someone has.
I wasn’t going to share with any of them when everyone was so excited for such a show and make the night a downer instead of the experience they all wanted. So I gathered my strength, buckled down and had the best show of my career.
I fumbled. Not massively where things went wrong on stage but I wasn’t on my top game. It’s hard to describe but doing a track you’ve been doing for some time feels almost like swimming with a stream; there’s a flow to things and you just are able to go with the current and adjust accordingly that it feels almost seamless. And by no longer trusting my body, I was now trying to keep myself afloat instead of being able to go with the natural flow I was so used to.
When I would pass Lauren, we’d silently do a check in and I’d signal that I was fine. To everyone else, me being off my game likely seemed like opening night nerves. Weeks later, when I tearfully shared my news with one of the performers I work with closely, she exclaimed, “Opening night?! You are QUITE the actress! I had no idea there was anything wrong!”
My heart almost fell out my ass when during intermission, my colleague Maloo (who is another legend in the theatre world and an incredible person to learn from) turned and said, “Hey, weren’t you supposed to get your results today? How’d it go?”
I choked out a “Oh, let’s talk about it later” and she apologized saying, “Oh my gosh, I shouldn’t have just asked you point blank like that!” and I faked a laugh going, “Oh you can ask! It’s just a bit to explain.” Which I did later after the show. We paused while cleaning the wigs and she held my hand as I confessed to her and my other colleague Taraleigh (who I know I sound like a broken record but is not only talented but an overall hilarious and cool in the way I wish I could be kind of way) what was going on. I whispered my news and hugged Mel with my confession as well before she went and got Douglas to bring him to the wig room. It was a lot for all of us to take in but I think we also wanted to end the night on a positive note and not let cancer take that away from us. We quickly (but professionally) got all 40+ wigs/facial hairs tidied and I changed into my dress.
Maloo and TL sent us on our way and when we entered the reception for the after party, it was such a relief to be there. “RED! That dress!!” one of the performers cheered. Even though everything had shifted, it did have some semblance of feeling a type of normal again and even for just one night, I was so happy to pretend that it all was.
I would end up having the biopsy and then my CT scan about a week after my diagnosis and while I will be sharing more of THAT whole process (did you know you get the sensation that you pee your pants during it??? I didn’t…), I can share now that I have been diagnosed with tongue cancer and it is thankfully localized to the area even though it is further along in its local stage (around a stage 2 or 3). While it is the more common of the oral cancers, oral cancer in general is pretty rare, with it making up almost 1% of all newly diagnosed cancer cases in the US (so in 2023, it was estimated 18,000 people would be diagnosed with it). In Canada, about 5 per 100,000 women get diagnosed with oral cancer annually so with the population roughly around 40 million, that’s about 2,000 women every year.
So think of it as the most common of this rare cancer to get. While I am an odd case to get it so young, there has been some increases to people under 40 getting oral cancer but the causes are unknown. As it was explained, while I may have some small genetic trait that could be a factor (I have one relative in my ENTIRE extended family who had a different type of oral cancer quite young and they are doing fabulous now with their new jaw), more than anything, it may just be, as my doctors put it, “bad luck”.
While I joke about moving to Canada and all I got was this cancer, I am getting so much more than that. I am working with some of the top doctors in the country and the healthcare here is covering EVERYTHING (at least according to the doctors but my US side is still skeptical so we shall see). I have a wonderful community between my family who has stepped up in such an incredible way I can’t even begin to think of the ways I can thank them, the new friends I have made along the way constantly keeping my spirits up and encouraging me to keep fighting but still feel ALL the emotions, and the theatre community who has held me as I cried, celebrated with my wins and continue to check in on me in ways I had previously never experienced or thought work colleagues would. My job is secure for when I am able to come back to it and while it breaks my heart to have to step away, I now more than ever want to work towards being backstage again.
Moving to Canada still remains one of the best decisions of my life and while I don’t know what this journey will entail exactly, I invite you to join me as I write about this fight and what life looks like moving forward.
It won’t be perfect and it will be hard but I have hope that in the end, the future is going to be brighter than I can even imagine.
Mare,
Wow, wow, wow, you are a rock star!!! You are only in the beginning of this journey and I can already see you growing. Your sense of humor is your secret weapon and what a powerful tool for you to have. I feel like I was just reading a best selling novel. You are such a skilled, relatable writer. I think your many talents will continue to shine from you and I will be along side this journey cheering you on. Sending love and hugs your way!
XoXo Jo
Hi Mare,
Al here. I want you to know that I am behind you 1000%. I love your post (and pictures) with your honesty and humor. I sense your inner strength coming through. Keep writing! I’m happy to have this connection to you! Sending love and hugs and positive vibes.
xxx
PS You are stunning in that blue gown!!😘